I spent the better part the past 4 years adoring and being adored, by someone who lives on the opposite coast in the U.S. The last 5 months for me have been difficult in the extreme however, because of a personal melt down, on my part. He distanced himself (emotionally) because, as he stated he was hurt by a venting email I wrote to him, but not about him. Well, I did relate to him that I was unhappy with the shortage of real, up-close contact between us. (At the time I was going through several stressful and distressful experiences with my family, my employment, and a medical situation, and I was scared about the outcomes.)
He was the bright light I ran to for almost 4 years, during which time he became firmly entrenched in my heart, and I know the feelings were mutual. As I understood it, he felt insulted that I was unhappy with our distance issues, and he took my complant as a personal attack, withdrawing from me in what I guess was self preservation.
Shortening this whole pity piece... Over the past month or so, I could not help but notice what we don't have anymore, and I am deeply saddened by what has gone missing. My self-preservation devil has taken to sitting on my shoulder. It keeps telling me to accept that we both have been hurt by things said and unsaid - it's time to mourn the loss of the special relationship we had and move on. Neither of us is letting go, but neither have we continued to grow in the relationship.
I believe that long distance relationships can and do work for many people, but I fear I will not be one of those crowing the success of my long distance love. I know now with certainty that I will not place myself in the position of being in a long distance relationship again. I need the tactile and sensory contact with my partner and with a high degree of frequency. The loneliness in the middle of the night, when I need or want to be held can not be alleviated with a telephone call or an email. We can't even break up or part ways with a goodbye kiss as the song says...
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