Cutting To The (End Of The) Chase

I spent the better part the past 4 years adoring and being adored, by someone who lives on the opposite coast in the U.S. The last 5 months for me have been difficult in the extreme however, because of a personal melt down, on my part. He distanced himself (emotionally) because, as he stated he was hurt by a venting email I wrote to him, but not about him. Well, I did relate to him that I was unhappy with the shortage of real, up-close contact between us. (At the time I was going through several stressful and distressful experiences with my family, my employment, and a medical situation, and I was scared about the outcomes.)

He was the bright light I ran to for almost 4 years, during which time he became firmly entrenched in my heart, and I know the feelings were mutual. As I understood it, he felt insulted that I was unhappy with our distance issues, and he took my complant as a personal attack, withdrawing from me in what I guess was self preservation.

Shortening this whole pity piece... Over the past month or so, I could not help but notice what we don't have anymore, and I am deeply saddened by what has gone missing. My self-preservation devil has taken to sitting on my shoulder. It keeps telling me to accept that we both have been hurt by things said and unsaid - it's time to mourn the loss of the special relationship we had and move on. Neither of us is letting go, but neither have we continued to grow in the relationship. 

I believe that long distance relationships can and do work for many people, but I fear I will not be one of those crowing the success of my long distance love. I know now with certainty that I will not place myself in the position of being in a long distance relationship again. I need the tactile and sensory contact with my partner and with a high degree of frequency. The loneliness in the middle of the night, when I need or want to be held can not be alleviated with a telephone call or an email. We can't even break up or part ways with a goodbye kiss as the song says... 

Don't Ask - Don't Tell.... Farewell!

I am pleased to see the military of US of A doing away with 'don't ask, don't tell. I was active duty when that bit of bafflement was instituted. I thought it quite demeaning to tell troops 'if you make it 20 years without anyone knowing (for certain) that you are gay we will let you retire. On the other hand, if we prove you are gay 19 years 11 months and 29 days into your service, you will be dishonorably discharged - with no retirement pay or benefits. Don't ask don't tell... Don't admit who you are. As recently as 100 years ago in the USA's history this could have been directed at me - as in don't tell anyone I am black, since I am melanin challenged...

I’m just saying.

Out With The Old - Happy New Year!

Musical Me - At This Moment

I go through periods of time when I need to be shored up by music. Most of my life is lived in concert with, and to gospel music. That is the music which keeps my breathing even and my hope high.

An End -Now Let's Begin

Today is the last day of the year 2010. I can't say that this year has been the best, but I am certain it has not been the worst. 

Surprising Myself

I have held back a million words over the past year, and I am surprising myself with the amount of writing which is wanting to work it's way out of my head and on to paper, even the electronic version of paper. 

The Cure For The Common Cold

The Cure For The Common Cold  Written - November 2, 20

 

I was paying the price today for my child-like behavior yesterday. The Dayquil was starting to do its' work now, and I was well into my plan  to spend the day on the couch watching football, and napping.  Ginger was stretched across my feet at the end of the couch, and she appeared to concur with my planned activity for the day.

I don't know how long I had been napping, but Tennessee and Green Bay were still in the first quarter. It took me a few seconds for my brain to register what had awakened me; it was the smell of cilantro, and other olfactory-engaging smells, coming from a pot on the stove.

Andrew…

My lips turned upwards, smiling because Andrew is (was?) here. Stretching my neck upwards, I didn't see him in the kitchen, nor could I hear him anywhere else in the apartment over the noise of the football game. If it weren't for the smells coming from my kitchen, I would never have known he was there at all! I started to look in the rest of the place, but I was pulled to look in the pot. Just as I reached for the lid, I felt his hand on my neck, caressing from right to left, three fingers lightly massaged behind my left ear, as his thumb caressed my bottom lip. His arms enfolded me from behind and I leaned against his chest, eyes closed, and smiling. Hey you, I said, and I felt his lips against my neck say hey you. I still had the oven mitt on so I opened the pot. The smells coming from it made me turn to face Andrew and say "Will you marry me?" Keeping his arms around me, Andrew begin walking backwards, leading toward the living room. Smiling, he said "Obviously your fever is worse than I thought. You're getting delirious!" I bit him lightly on his chest , laughing as I told him " I am also rabid". I couldn't pretend to be upset; it felt too good having him here with me. As we passed the hallway opening that led to the bedrooms, I pulled away from him. "Ginger, keep Mr. Ames company while I go find the shower". I had suddenly become conscious, and self-conscious, of the baggy, saggy, sweat suit I was wearing.

When I returned to the living room after my shower, I could not help the laugh that burst out of me. Apparently, Ginger had taken my order to watch Andrew seriously. She was sitting on his lap purring while he scratched her neck and ears. What made me laugh was the long white hairs from Ginger which stood out against the black slacks Andrew had on. "Have you given any thought to changing your favorite color to white? I giggled again at the look he gave me. "I'm sorry", I said. "It's the delirium from the fever".  Sitting down beside him on the couch, I jealously nudged Ginger off of his lap. It was my turn to feel Andrews hands scratching my neck and ears! Wordlessly, almost without missing a beat, Andrew granted my wish. Ginger is not the only one who purrs when Andrew touches her…

I woke up sometime later, still on the couch, to the feel of Andrews lips on my neck. "Fever check," he said. 'Well you won't get an accurate reading checking it that way. Your lips cause fever spikes on my good days" I told him. "I've got the cure" Andrew said, his voice so deeply sexy I felt his words massaging my spine. "Start with this" he said, handing me a bowl filled with the soup. Laughing at the expression on my face he took a seat beside me on the couch. "Bastige!" I said, but I was happy to dig in. Actually, I was just happy. This was the perfect prescription for what was ailing me; to have Andrew next to me, his cooking warming my belly, Ginger sitting on my feet, and the Oakland Raiders ahead of the Atlanta Falcons with less than a minute left to play. I can't think of a better cure for the common cold.

@ All rights to reprint are the sole property of this blogs author. 12/2008