There are days when I wonder why I even bother with some folks who are on the periphery of my life. Today is one of those days. The energy I expend dealing with them and their mess depletes me to the point of exhaustion sometimes. I am slowly but surely arriving at a place where it doesn't hurt when I contemplate stepping back and stopping my efforts to maintain the semblance of pleasure in their presence, and allowing my real feelings to dictate my actions, or my inaction, with regards to maintaining these relationships - though 'relationship' seems to be too strong a word for the interactions I have with some of these folk.
Here is my biggest issue with letting go: I have lost a significant number friends and relatives to death, and so when it is time, and sometimes past time, to let go of people or things that are more harmful to my happiness than helpful, I fear the feeling of emptiness that may creep in, leaving a void within me. I think I worry to much about what to fill up the various gaping holes of emptiness left when they are no longer inhabiting that space within me.
Unlike a number of people of my acquaintance, I welcome, want, relish, and enjoy intimate friendships, so letting go of someone seems like letting go of hope for happiness in friendships and relationships. The more likely truth is these placeholders are probably creating an emotional clutter, taking up the valuable space that could be filled by happy and healthy relationships, if only I weren't so erroneously emotionally invested in trying to make those failing, faulty, or false friendships work. I don't like failing with people, but this is real life and that is one of the various growth processes I have to go through to evolve and arrive at the healthily harmonious level of happiness I deserve.
Just my Monday morning thoughts.
More later.
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